1. I resolve to figure out and implement what the grocery store checkout girl actually means when she says, “You have 7 gas rewards but two expire tonight,” instead of just nodding and saying, “Thank you, that’s useful information!”
2. I resolve to return the goddamn RedBox movies I rent ON TIME even if it means I didn’t watch them. *Spoiler Alert* I’m probably not going to watch them even if I wait 5 more days.
3. I resolve to only make fun of my husband on my blog if it’s like REALLY funny and worth it.
4. I resolve to threaten to kill myself in specific and painful ways in front of my children no more than once a week. I’m pretty sure they know I’m kidding but it’s possible they’re each developing a morbid sense of humor.
5. I resolve to clean up cat throw-up I see on the floor as soon as I see it. Unless I’m carrying something really heavy or my hair is wet. If I don’t dry my hair right away I end up with slicked back bangs and that’s not good for anyone. It’s definitely worse than dried cat barf on the carpet.
6. I resolve not to daydrink, unless I have the time and fortitude to really commit myself to an entire day of drinking. Morning mimosas with no follow-up result in nothing but afternoon headaches.
7. I resolve to stop getting a to-go box at restaurants just to make the waiter feel like I truly appreciated my meal. If it’s not a curry or pasta it’s not going to travel well and I won’t eat it tomorrow. It’s OK if the waiter is judging me for being wasteful when there are starving children in Africa.
8. I resolve to stop buying shirts at Target just because they’re only $4 and might come back in style someday. It’s not my responsibility to rescue items of clothing that may have once been cute.
9. I resolve to stop eating fast food unless it’s really delicious fast food. It’s possible I used to enjoy a good Whopper but now eating one just takes me to a dark, sad place. It’s not worth the pain, misery and calories. A burger from 5 Guys or In ‘n’ Out, though, fills my soul with joy and peace.
10. I resolve to swear less. In front of strangers. On Sundays. Near churches.
11. I resolve to stop judging people who drive slightly under the speed limit as worthless, selfish, horrible excuses for human beings. It’s not very nice and they’re probably not doing it only to piss me off.
12. I resolve to drink a glass of water after every Diet Coke or glass of wine. Although that sounds like a really lot of liquid. I’m going to be peeing like every 10 minutes. OK, I resolve to drink some water after every Diet Coke and glass of wine. If there’s ice in my Diet Coke or wine that counts.
13. I resolve not to hate myself if I can’t even keep a single one of my resolutions. Peace and Love, People. Peace and Love.