The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

13 Resolutions for 2013

1. I resolve to figure out and implement what the grocery store checkout girl actually means when she says, “You have 7 gas rewards but two expire tonight,” instead of just nodding and saying, “Thank you, that’s useful information!”

2. I resolve to return the goddamn RedBox movies I rent ON TIME even if it means I didn’t watch them. *Spoiler Alert* I’m probably not going to watch them even if I wait 5 more days.

3. I resolve to only make fun of my husband on my blog if it’s like REALLY funny and worth it.

4. I resolve to threaten to kill myself in specific and painful ways in front of my children no more than once a week. I’m pretty sure they know I’m kidding but it’s possible they’re each developing a morbid sense of humor.

5. I resolve to clean up cat throw-up I see on the floor as soon as I see it. Unless I’m carrying something really heavy or my hair is wet. If I don’t dry my hair right away I end up with slicked back bangs and that’s not good for anyone. It’s definitely worse than dried cat barf on the carpet.

6. I resolve not to daydrink, unless I have the time and fortitude to really commit myself to an entire day of drinking. Morning mimosas with no follow-up result in nothing but afternoon headaches.

7. I resolve to stop getting a to-go box at restaurants just to make the waiter feel like I truly appreciated my meal. If it’s not a curry or pasta it’s not going to travel well and I won’t eat it tomorrow. It’s OK if the waiter is judging me for being wasteful when there are starving children in Africa.

8. I resolve to stop buying shirts at Target just because they’re only $4 and might come back in style someday. It’s not my responsibility to rescue items of clothing that may have once been cute.

9. I resolve to stop eating fast food unless it’s really delicious fast food. It’s possible I used to enjoy a good Whopper but now eating one just takes me to a dark, sad place. It’s not worth the pain, misery and calories. A burger from 5 Guys or In ‘n’ Out, though, fills my soul with joy and peace.

10. I resolve to swear less. In front of strangers. On Sundays. Near churches.

11. I resolve to stop judging people who drive slightly under the speed limit as worthless, selfish, horrible excuses for human beings. It’s not very nice and they’re probably not doing it only to piss me off.

12. I resolve to drink a glass of water after every Diet Coke or glass of wine. Although that sounds like a really lot of liquid. I’m going to be peeing like every 10 minutes. OK, I resolve to drink some water after every Diet Coke and glass of wine. If there’s ice in my Diet Coke or wine that counts.

13. I resolve not to hate myself if I can’t even keep a single one of my resolutions. Peace and Love, People. Peace and Love.

5 Responses to 13 Resolutions for 2013

  1. Resolutions absolutely overwhelm me, so I have only one this year: Get shit done. Because it’s emphatic enough to maybe, perhaps, sorta push me to do stuff, but vague enough that I won’t feel too bad if I get nothing done 😉

  2. I suggest the glass of water after every glass of wine, even if the wine has ice, but the ice totally counts in Diet Coke – seriously – it’s just a soft drink – that can’t hurt you, right?

  3. Order matters, try the glass of water before the diet coke or wine. You always put acid into water to avoid an ugly reaction, or is it headache. Can you make ice cubes with diet coke or wine?

  4. Elizabeth, these are some noble resolutions. #9-We should all eat at more places that bring joy and peace. #11-I thought you were talking about my wife-she thinks she’s a race car driver and needs to take a chill pill. I enjoy your posts.

  5. Rent movies from iTunes or amazon. 24 hours to finish once you start watching, and if it expires, at least you’re not charged more.

    You can also download and not start them for up to a month.

    Saves tons in the long run. AppleTV or Roku are both around $100 and super easy to use once set up. Promise.

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