The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

10 Things To Do While You’re Running a Half-Marathon

10 ways to entertain yourself while running 13.1 miles:

1. Count Lululemon outfits. Eventually realize you’re running in a sea of Lululemon outfits and grow tired of the game.

2. Have long, involved, strategy discussions with yourself about whether you should pause to get water at the next water station or if it will hinder your time. You know, because it’s the Olympic Trials, you’re a contender and every. second. counts.

3. Feel really grateful you’re not running a full marathon. Feel ecstatic you’re not running a 50 mile ultra run like your client (who you originally thought was normal) told you she’s training for in March. Realize ‘Ultras’ are the new marathon, so it’s sort of like you’re running a really painful 5k.

4. Consider the amount of calories you’re burning and whether it means you deserve a new outfit. Decide of course it means you deserve a new outfit and daydream about where you’re going to buy it and how cute it will be.

5. Pull down the tanktop you bought in the junior section at Marshall’s that keeps riding up and showing your muffin top. Pull down your tanktop again. Pull down your tanktop and lament buying a tanktop in the junior section at Marshall’s instead of an actual athletic store. Pull down your tanktop and wonder if the lesser evil would actually be removing the offending tanktop and letting your muffin top breathe in all its glory. Pull down your tanktop and realize if you take off the top you won’t have anything to pin your number to. Pull down your tanktop.

6. Wonder if they put all the good bands on the marathon course because the people running it are radder and more hardcore.

7. Repeat, mentally, every platitude about running you’ve ever heard in order to make yourself run faster, like:

90% of running is mental. The other 10% is mental.

Leave everything you’ve got on the course.

It’s going to be really embarrassing if you don’t make your goal time and everyone will think you’re a loser. (I made that one up myself but it’s surprisingly effective.)

8. Sing along to that song ‘Human’ by The Killers that goes, “Are we human, or are we dancer?” and feel really inspired and connected to the song because YOU ARE DANCER!!! You know, in that whole interacting-with-the-universe-in-a-creative-and-passionate-manner way. Even though you’re currently running. Because it’s still DANCING IN YOUR SOUL! But then wonder if you’re interpreting the song correctly, because sometimes you get that shit wrong.

9. Say fuck you in your head individually to all the people standing along the road yawning. Also give a big mental fuck you to anyone breezing past you.

10. Think about how many and what kind of cocktails you will consume at the end of running so very far.

(The last one is really the most important and best use of your time.)


9 Responses to 10 Things To Do While You’re Running a Half-Marathon

  1. Any runner who says he or she hasn’t done #9 is a lying liar who lies.

    Well done, runner.

  2. So spot on. Well done!

  3. I do not for one second believe that will all the running you’ve been doing that you actually have a muffin top. And if you do, well then you just gave me a reason to not start that whole running business.

  4. Mine include:

    Scope out someone in your corral at the start that you think you can beat. When you lose sight of them by mile 2, convince yourself that it’s because they took off their sweatshirt and you passed them without noticing.

    Tell yourself that if your knee/toe/thigh/calf/elbow hurts when you get to the turn-off for the Mini-marathon, it would be the smart thing to do. Then be mad because nothing is hurting at that point.

    Wonder whether you could convince someone else to run the second half when you hit the relay exchange.

    Get really inspired by the view when you turn south on 64th street.

    Have a sense of satisfaction when you finally are able to catch up to and pass the 70 year old man with the knee brace.

    Resign yourself to the fact that the 70 year old man had a kick in the last mile — one that allowed him to pass you and leave you in the dust. (He’s probably doping)

  5. This is one of my fave posts ever!

  6. I always find myself thinking…. Hmmm is this actually running? ’cause I am pretty sure if I was walking at a brisk pace I would pass my “running” self right now, then I think… if i run faster I will be done sooner, but then again I just might die sooner too… Yes, running sucks. Then I just think “I weigh too much to run” then I think of the irony of that thought for a while.

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