10 ways to entertain yourself while running 13.1 miles:
1. Count Lululemon outfits. Eventually realize you’re running in a sea of Lululemon outfits and grow tired of the game.
2. Have long, involved, strategy discussions with yourself about whether you should pause to get water at the next water station or if it will hinder your time. You know, because it’s the Olympic Trials, you’re a contender and every. second. counts.
3. Feel really grateful you’re not running a full marathon. Feel ecstatic you’re not running a 50 mile ultra run like your client (who you originally thought was normal) told you she’s training for in March. Realize ‘Ultras’ are the new marathon, so it’s sort of like you’re running a really painful 5k.
4. Consider the amount of calories you’re burning and whether it means you deserve a new outfit. Decide of course it means you deserve a new outfit and daydream about where you’re going to buy it and how cute it will be.
5. Pull down the tanktop you bought in the junior section at Marshall’s that keeps riding up and showing your muffin top. Pull down your tanktop again. Pull down your tanktop and lament buying a tanktop in the junior section at Marshall’s instead of an actual athletic store. Pull down your tanktop and wonder if the lesser evil would actually be removing the offending tanktop and letting your muffin top breathe in all its glory. Pull down your tanktop and realize if you take off the top you won’t have anything to pin your number to. Pull down your tanktop.
6. Wonder if they put all the good bands on the marathon course because the people running it are radder and more hardcore.
7. Repeat, mentally, every platitude about running you’ve ever heard in order to make yourself run faster, like:
90% of running is mental. The other 10% is mental.
Leave everything you’ve got on the course.
It’s going to be really embarrassing if you don’t make your goal time and everyone will think you’re a loser. (I made that one up myself but it’s surprisingly effective.)
8. Sing along to that song ‘Human’ by The Killers that goes, “Are we human, or are we dancer?” and feel really inspired and connected to the song because YOU ARE DANCER!!! You know, in that whole interacting-with-the-universe-in-a-creative-and-passionate-manner way. Even though you’re currently running. Because it’s still DANCING IN YOUR SOUL! But then wonder if you’re interpreting the song correctly, because sometimes you get that shit wrong.
9. Say fuck you in your head individually to all the people standing along the road yawning. Also give a big mental fuck you to anyone breezing past you.
10. Think about how many and what kind of cocktails you will consume at the end of running so very far.
(The last one is really the most important and best use of your time.)