The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

10 Things That Suck About Jason Being Out of Town

1. The dishes. Oh the dishes. If there’s one reason to get married, it’s to have someone who will agree to always do the dishes so I don’t have to. Touching soggy old food half-eaten by other people should only be punishment for child molesters.

2. Apparently he actually does a whole bunch of things first thing in the morning. Who knew he got up so early because it takes like forever to make the kids breakfast and pack their lunches and take them all to school? I thought it was just so he could make his special coffee and watch the baseball highlights.

3. The cat throw-up I always step over never just gets magically cleaned up while he’s gone. It’s really weird.

4. There might be a murderer upstairs. I heard him run across the ceiling above me this morning. Or it could have been one of the cats. It sounded pretty murderer-ish, though.

5. I have to sleep with an entire extra blanket because he’s not here to act as my own personal space heater.

6. There’s no one to wake me up at midnight after I’ve fallen asleep downstairs on the couch watching TV.

7. The bar of soap in the shower keeps getting smaller and smaller and no one ever puts a new one in its place. I’m afraid tomorrow there won’t be any soap in there at all.

8. It turns out the cats and the┬átortoise aren’t totally self-sufficient like I’ve been telling people. Someone has to actually feed them and clean up after them and shit.

9. American Horror Story: Asylum starts tomorrow night and I’m really excited for it, but I can’t watch it without him. Not because it’s like ‘our show’ and we have to experience it together or anything, because I’m a six year old and afraid of the dark. You remember what happened last year, right?

10. Somedays if he’s not here I have no reason to put on makeup or wear anything but ill-fitting t-shirts and baggy jeans. Then, whenever I have to go pee, I look in the bathroom mirror and feel sorry for the sad-looking unattractive girl staring back at me. Usually to feel better I eat a spoonful of peanut butter. PLEASE COME HOME BEFORE I’VE COMPLETELY TURNED INTO THE MOM FROM WHAT’S EATING GILBERT GRAPE, JASON.

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